How to Behave at a Black Tie Dinner

An invitation marked black tie promises an evening of some ceremony. Whether it is a charity gala, a livery company dinner, a regimental occasion or a college feast, the format is broadly the same: a drinks reception, a seated dinner of several courses and, very often, speeches.

None of it should feel intimidating. The conventions exist to make the evening run smoothly for everyone, and once you know them, you can relax and enjoy the company. Here is how to carry yourself from the moment you read the invitation to the moment you collect your coat.

Understand the Dress Code

For men, black tie means a dinner jacket, matching trousers with a braid down the outer seam, a white dress shirt, a black bow tie and black polished shoes. A self tied bow tie is the traditional choice. Waistcoats or cummerbunds are optional, and a dark midnight blue jacket is perfectly correct.

For women, the code is more flexible. A floor length gown is the classic choice, but an elegant cocktail dress or smart evening trousers are widely accepted at many events. If you are unsure, it is quite proper to ask the host what most guests will wear.

Arrive on Time and Mingle

Black tie dinners usually run to a timetable, with a reception before guests are called to dinner. Aim to arrive within the first part of the reception rather than at the last minute. Late arrivals can hold up the seating of a whole room.

Use the reception to greet your hosts and to meet other guests. Keep your drink in your left hand so that your right is free and dry for handshakes. When dinner is announced, finish your conversation and move towards the dining room without delay.

Find Your Place at the Table

Most formal dinners have a seating plan displayed near the entrance and place cards at each setting. Check the plan, find your seat and do not move the cards, however tempting it may be to sit beside a friend. Seating is often arranged with care to mix guests.

Wait until the host or the top table is seated, or until grace has been said, before you sit down. Once seated, place your napkin on your lap and leave your phone out of sight for the evening.

Manage the Cutlery and Glasses

A formal setting can look daunting, but the rule is simple: work from the outside in, using the outermost cutlery for the first course. Your bread plate sits to your left and your glasses to your right. Pudding spoon and fork are often placed above the plate.

Break your bread roll into small pieces rather than biting into it, and butter each piece as you go. When you pause, rest your knife and fork apart on the plate. When you have finished, place them together in the centre so the staff know they can clear.

Talk to Both Neighbours

A black tie dinner is a social occasion, and conversation is part of your duty as a guest. A traditional custom is to speak with the person on one side during the first course and then turn to the other side for the next. However it is managed, make sure neither neighbour is left without company.

Choose light, agreeable topics and ask questions. Avoid dominating the talk, and steer clear of contentious subjects unless you know the company well. Listening with genuine interest is the mark of a good dinner companion.

Toasts, Speeches and Port

At many British formal dinners, there is a loyal toast towards the end of the meal, and traditionally guests do not leave the table or smoke before it. Stand when asked, raise your glass and simply repeat the toast. Remain attentive during speeches and keep side conversations to a minimum.

If port is served, it is passed to the left around the table, and the decanter should keep moving rather than resting beside you. If you do not wish to drink, simply pass it on.

Leave Gracefully

Once the formal part of the evening is over, it is fine to circulate or to leave. Find your hosts before you go and thank them warmly. A short note or message the following day is a gracious touch.

A black tie dinner rewards guests who prepare a little and then simply enjoy themselves. Dress correctly, arrive on time, talk to your neighbours and follow the rhythm of the room, and you will be a welcome guest at any table. Follow Duchess Magazine for more guides to modern manners.